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Here’s a stupid skit that I just made up.
Cold Soup” by Taylor Liptak
Hey friend! Have some soup!
–Why thank you! Oh, but it’s cold. Mind if I warm it up?
It’s supposed to be cold!
–Whaaattt?? Cold soup?? Blasphemy!
No, no. Not blasphemy. Gazpacho.
–Bless you.
What? No. Gazpacho is a cold soup.
–Gazpacho? You mean that 80’s Puerto Rican boy band?
Uhh no, that’s Menudo…here, just taste it.
–Eww no way I don’t eat pig brains.
First of all, menudo is made of cow stomach, not pig brains. Second, I’m talking
      about this gazpacho. It’s delicious. Eat it.
–Cold soup? Okay fine, but I think you’re full of shi…oh my god! This is wonderful!
     So refreshing! It tastes like…
Liquid summer? Yeah, I know.
–No, I was going to say more like a nice puree of tomato, cucumber, and bell
      pepper, but we’ll go with that.
I’m sensing the beginnings of an Academy Award winning script right there. Scene opens with a girl craving gazpacho. She’s only tried it once, and doesn’t know how to make it. She is unsatisfied with all of the recipes she’s read online, so she makes one up. She invites her friend with a broken jaw to come taste test it. He’s been drinking liquified hot pockets, so he hopefully won’t be too judgmental. Her ego can’t handle too much criticism. She pours some into a crazy straw cup and he drinks it up. She waits anxiously for his reaction, which is hard to gauge because his jaw is wired shut. The verdict? Success! Yaayyy!!! The whole world erupted into applause and the girl lived happily ever after.
Actually, everything from “Scene opens” to “Success! Yaayyy!!!” really did happen.
Okay now, enough shenanigans. Here’s your

*Note that all of this is really up to you. Feel free to alter numbers or ingredients.

Put the biggest pan you have on high heat on the stove. Halve and de-core/seed the bell pepper and jalapeno(s). The (s) is because the number you use depends on how spicy you would like this to be. Gazpacho is not traditionally super spicy from what I gather, but I love spicy. I added one jalapeno, but next time I’d add another. Cut the red onion into quarters. Put the whole tomatoes, bell pepper, jalapeno, and red onion in the pan. Turn occasionally so that the skin on all of the veggies gets kind of blackened and blistered. Add the garlic cloves toward the end so they don’t burn. While this is going on, douse your bread with the vinegar and lime juice. When you are satisfied with how the veggies look, take everything out and put it all on a cutting board. Set aside two of the tomatoes, half of the bell pepper, and a few pieces of the red onion. Give everything else a rough chop and put it into your blender. Rough chop 2/3 of the cucumber and add that as well. Add the other 1/3 to the other veggies you set aside. If you have a small blender, you might have to do this in batches, but my roommate happens to have some beasty vitamixer 3000 or something, so I didn’t have any problems. Puree to desired consistency. It’s really up to you. Then add the bread slices and blend some more. At this point, taste it. Add whatever you think you need. Too tart? Add some olive oil. Too thick? Water. Too blah? Salt and pepper and a healthy dose of Tapatio do wonders. When you’re happy with it, go back to those veggies you set aside. Give them a rough chop, and add them to the blender. Pulse a couple times, so that the pieces you added are mostly intact. It adds textural interest. That’s a technical term. Now put it in a big bowl, or something appropriate for holding mass quantities of soup, and stick it in the fridge for as long as you can wait to eat it. Over night is ideal.

Special thanks to Ivan for being my food stylist for the night : )

Serve it up on a hot afternoon with a chunk of crusty bread and a chiffonade (another technical term) of basil. Oh, and a cerveza. That’s key.